I have decided to start with my most loathed of heroes: Batman. I do this at the behest of Maloy W.
Batman XXX: A Porn Parody and all of its rights are owned by Vivid Entertainment. I have no claim to any of the intellectual property.
The scene starts off with Bruce (Dale DaBone) and "young boy" (James Deen) playing a complicated looking game of chess. It looks like a 4 tiered game and has the young man quite complexed. Lisa (Kimberly Kane) comes in and notes that the game looks too complicated for a young boy. Bruce notes that the game is "...rudamentary..." and only requires you to think.... "16 moves ahead." Geeze, here comes the corny, porno acting.... but it's to be expected, moving on. Lisa is getting ready to visit the seamstress to have a dress made for her father's fundraiser for the "Deaf Children, Blind Parents" Fund. HA. Poor kids.
Lisa leaves and is confronted by probably the best porn actor I know of. The Riddler (Evan Stone) puts on QUITE the performance and dances around Lisa and hits her with some riddle that doesn't actually make sense so I won't worry you with the details. Notably, The Riddler does smell Lisa and say that she and Bruce's money fit his interest quite nicely. His laugh is quite dead on. Robin hears something, but Bruce says it's probably just Alfred groping Aunt Harriet.
Holy Viagra!
Scene change to some old man who can't act. They check out their secretary and decide to call Batman with news of The Riddler. Alfred tells Bruce they have called for him, Bruce ends all 4 tiers of chess and swings into action. A note on the pole FINALLY tells that the boy's name is Dick. Cool looking car and a short cartoon later has us back with Lisa.
Lisa is in a cage and says that her father and boyfriend can pay to have herself released. Riddle time: When is cheese bad for a mouse? When it's in a trap. We now know his plan. Batman is going to show up and try to save her and he will trap him. Now Lisa wants a better bed so she offers herself as payment for a mattress. Classy girl old Bruce is dating.
And then they do it.
Notably, Evan Stone stays in character VERY well except when his voice changes.
Riddle me this. When is a pussy like a flower? When it has two lips. (Tulips) LOL
The next scene has us with the old geezers again and the dynamic duo showing up. A moment of cheesy dialogue and bad Robin voice overs and they get to scaling a building. A short stop at a window and a cameo from Ron Jeremy and they make it to the top. Apparently they're headed to a Discotheque. Batman just rolls in like he's not in pajamas and gets hit on by a hooker nonetheless. He then gets a riddle from the hooker and finds out her name is Molly (Alexis Texas). The hard drinker in Batman gets his Orange Juice. He then starts his tribal love dance with Molly and suddenly realizes his OJ was spiked like a Simpson touchdown dance. Oh noes! Batman's willpower is gone! What's she gonna do with him?
And then they do it.
Notably: It's kind of fun pretending it's Adam West in the mask.
Scene change, Robin is back with the geezers stating that Batman is gone. The comish is talking to his daughter Barbara/Batgirl (Lexi Belle). She changes into her outfit and rushes off to save the day. OMG she's a bad actress. Climbing a building again. Off to find a badguy to find out where The Riddler is. They arrive at The Joker's hideout to find out he and Catwoman is in on the conspiracy. The Joker (Randy Spears) then proceeds to explain his life plans to Catwoman (Tori Black). He kicks Catwoman out of the room to relax with his lady friends (Andy San Dimas & Syren Sexton). I'm assuming he's going to get a massage.
And then they do it..... with Robin and Batgirl watching.
Notably: Heath Ledger would have made a better Joker.
Holy Popshot! I hope they bring Batman soon! Cheesy one liner. Batgirl hits on Robin.
And then they do it. Way too loudly to be on a covert mission.
Catwoman's minions overhear and the two are captured. The scene then changes to the Joker chilling in his chair and The Riddler showing up through a grate/door with Lisa and Batman. Batman states he's going to get away when the Boy Wonder shows up. Catwoman then comes in with his boy in tow. Oops. Notably, you never actually see Robin and Batgirl get brought in. They're kind of in the background. Anyways, Joker wants to kill them all. So does The Riddler. Not Catwoman though. We can't be having Batman die so easily. Catwoman frees them..... of course. Really sweet, old school fight scene ensues. Now they owe Catwoman "one". Lisa acts like a classy lady, despite how much we all know she likes dudes in costume.
To payback Catwoman they decide to thank her.
And then they do it.
Holy threesome, Batman!
They then say they have to take her in. She needs a moment to freshen up. She then drops a net on the duo and some gas starts pouring in.
Will they be able to get out of their predicament?
Learn the agonizing answer...
Don't miss the next episode,
Same bat-XXX time...
... Same Bat-XXX Channel!!
The End??
In Closing:
All in all this porn REALLY kept with the old Batman television show featuring Adam West, right down to the Biff!Pow! animations and for that it gets a very good score. The exciting cliff hanger is a staple and gets them points. The wonderful acting by Evan Stone works really well for his part and Randy Spears did really well in this one. Had it not been for Batgirl this movie PROBABLY would have gotten a perfect score, but what kind of precedent would that be setting. All in all, for the story, especially for a porno, I give this movie 4.5/5 stars. Congratulations for me being nice. This is my first review after all.
Rating: 4.5/5
